Entries in comedy Grand Rapids chimichanga (1)

Grand Rapids Chimichanga

A little over a month ago I was in Grand Rapids, MI working Dr. Grins comedy club for the weekend, which turned out to be a great club and a very fun time. During my time there, I needed to eat something for lunch on Saturday.   Having only eaten at places near the hotel, I look to Yelp to find a Mexican place. HOLA EL GRANJERO MEXICAN GRILL!  4.5/5 stars, 49 reviews, locals love it... this is my place.Tell me that doesn't look delicious

I arrive to the "hole-in-the-wall authentic Mexican" restaurant and walk in to see a lunch special predominately displayed on the wall. $7.99 for a Chimichanga, rice and beans, and drink?  Hells yes I'll take that. I order it partly because chimichangas are delicious, and partly because "chimichanga" is the funniest sounding thing to order at a Mexican restaurant, "gazpacho" coming in at a close second. I eat the chimichanga and return to the hotel to relax after a job well done.

It's a beautiful day in Grand Rapids, 80's, sunny, sky is crystal clear. I decide to take advantage of this day by hanging outside by the pool instead of staying indoors until showtime.  My grandpa was a farmer, he was up early and outdoors all day, which is the complete opposite lifestyle of a comedian (usually in a strange town, alone, which leads to staying indoors and sleeping most of the day).  So every now and then I feel the need to get out and do something, ANYTHING, in lieu of laying in a hotel bed. Today, "ANYTHING" included plans of laying on a pool chair....totally different than laying in a hotel bed.

De-troit Sucks!I put on swim trunks, looking forward to curing my Vitamin D deficiency, and head downstairs toward the pool. As I approach, I suddenly have the realization I'm in goddamn Michigan, and it's an indoor pool.  Of course it would be! It snows 8 months out of the year here, why the hell would they have an outdoor pool?? It would only be open 5 weeks a year, genius! I didn't even think of that.

Disillusioned, I enter the completely empty pool area, lay down on the pool chair, and stare up at the artificial lighting.  I thought about my grandpa for a second, and decided I need to do something, ANYTHING, instead of laying here experiencing the wafting smell of chlorine and the hum of a Whirlpool.

Brilliant idea pops into my head: "I should swim some laps! I already have the trunks on, I brought my towel, nobody else is here. I should really do something instead of retreating back to the hotel room with nothing accomplished."

I don't work out or exercise too much at all. I don't have a fitness regimen, I don't run laps, and I've never swam for exercise in my life, only for fun. But today... I decide today is the first day of my newest fitness plan, swimming! Seems easier on the body than running, I have a pool at my apartment complex back home, I could make this a regular thing!

Energized, I hop in the definitely-not-Olympic-sized hotel pool and decide to swim 10 laps. 10 laps! Completely pulled that number out of my ass.

After swimming back and forth 5 times, I contemplate quitting because I'm getting tired and it's getting harder and harder to swim. I know myself, as far as working out goes, I'm always quick to take the easy way out.  But NOT TODAY! I'm finishing these laps goddamn it!    8.... 9.... 10!  I'm exhausted, breathing heavy, heart is racing, but I feel GREAT because I finished! I lay down on the pool chair, bursting with pride on the inside, but struggling to stay alive to any outside observer. 

It is right about now that I realize that, a little over a half hour ago, I ate a $7.99 chimichanga, rice & beans, and a drink.

The chimichanga never entered my mind during the thought process of heading to the pool to lay out, then subsequently deciding 10 minutes later to suddenly become Michael Phelps.

As I lay there, breathing like a fish out of water, I have realize that, as delicious as that chimichanga was going down, it wasn't going to be as good coming back up.

I grab my stuff, exit the pool/fitness center, and book it towards the elevator in an attempt to make it to my room before Hurricane El Granjero hits. 

I'm rapidly walking and taking deep breaths, trying to delay the inevitable, with the elevators in sight at the end of this long hallway. As I get closer and closer, a happy, excited, perfect looking family of 5 arrive from out of sight to the bank of elevators and press the button.  They're dressed in nice clothes and have their luggage in tow, and I overhear them say something about a family reunion.

Realizing I'm seconds away from having a reunion of my own, I turn around, sprint back to the fitness center bathroom, and unleash the beast rumbling inside of me. I'll spare you the details, but it was horrific...

Visual approximation of the family.As the tears are streaming down my face, I begin to construct the timeline of where I would be right now had I not decided to turn around and sprint to this bathroom... I would be in the elevator with that Norman-Rockwell-esque family of 5... making memories.

I begin to laugh while vomiting, which is one of the strangest sensations I've ever felt in my life.

I would have forever been apart of that family's life, no matter how old they get. Christmas 2053: "Remember when we were kids and that guy puked all over our luggage at that Grand Rapids Marriott??  Oh my god yes! That was so disgusting! Totally ruined the family reunion."

I clean up, head back to the hotel room, and sleep it off.  I'm pretty sure I'm the only guy who's ever had to "sleep off" a workout.

On that day, I experienced every involuntary thing your belly can possibly do, occurring simultaneously. You haven't lived til you have that experience. It's exhilarating.

And to that family of 5... you're welcome. In the name of comedy I probably should've entered that hotel elevator, but I didn't have the guts.  Actually at that moment I had guts, but I expelled them 15 seconds later. Just ask yourself this, what are you more likely to remember at the 2053 Christmas dinner table: The lame family reunion, or that magnificent chimichanga hurler in wet swim trunks?